I wish I didn’t care about u the way I do

I wish I didn’t crave your touch and ur breath on my skin 

I wish I didn’t long for your wisdom and ur guidance 

I wish it never happened 

I wish u never happened 

Yet I can’t think of anywhere else I’d want to be 

The cliche cheesy ness of it all irks my nerves that much more 

Wanting more than a two word text

Begging myself to play it cool n not unleash a massive emotional trilogy on u in hopes that u don’t disregard my existence more than u already do 

The thought of blocking u and removing u from existence makes me ache

My heart sinks are the thought of not receiving ur three month check in session 

But my obsession is ready to paralyze me and keep me stuck until the next one anyways  

God it hurts and I just write u long msgs n texts after each one in hopes of releasing all my anxsy to not have to block u forever so that I can not seem crazy in hopes that one day you’ll want me 

I hate the thought of feeling so terrible and sincere at the thought that no one truly wants me 

Will I ever feel wanted? Will I ever be chosen? Maybe even chosen first? 

When will it be my turn to shine? To be successful? To be beautiful? To feel like God does love me and is glad I’m alive and not in some karmic vacuum someone’s gotta donit kinda way but like actually glad 

Like I’m a new type of flower that’s bloom is a new color he created 

Special 

Will I ever be special 

Will I experience feeling special while I still have breath to share?